I Have A Friend...

who is astoundingly creative and talented. She is so sparkly and alive and doing her Path. Yet, she is in pain, seeing only that she hasn't "made it" in the ways she has decided defines that term.

I see her as my hero.

I have a friend who has so much abundance surrounding him! But he is unable to see. He is sad. He describes himself as a depressive. I have known fear for him, frustration for him, anger with him in my pain.

Aside from all this, I see a light, a wordsmith, a romantic with so much potential to serve the world and those he comes in contact with...even though he says he is old and an empty vessel.

I refuse to believe that vision he has of himself. I see him as a Teacher. A Lover. I will see him as nothing less than this.

I have a friend, a Lover in every aspect of the word. I have known her for decades as she has found her way in loving and living in the face of all that love is not. She loves humanity. She loves her lovers. She loves Life.

She makes me smile with her complexly multifacted, multidimensional, simple, sweetly present Love.

Gifts.

All Souls' Day

Yesterday was Halloween/Samhain. I could have gone to a partay. Most of my community did. I saw the pics today and loved all the happy faces...many of which were costumed so well I didn't even recognize them. I felt Blessed to be the altar-setter-upper assistant for the partay. The hall was transformed into a delight of witches and goblins and skeletons and love and rememberance and Life and prayers. But then I went home (?...to a house), felt too internal and did not go back to attend the actual festivities.

And I thought of this time of year being felt/seen as the time where The Veil is the thinnest between two worlds. Between two worlds.

And I thought of how my life feels as if it's between two worlds.

Loving my community, yet the sort who is too internal to celebrate with them in large gatherings.

In a relationship...but not.

Surrounded by loving people who open their arms, hearts and homes to me...yet feeling homeless and ungrounded.

Working hard to get stable, yet feeling the least so than I have in decades.

Happy most of the day, yet able to cry at any moment. Burying nothing.

Having searched for a passion for years, finding it, yet not being able to do my vision just yet. But also not able to find another way. Just yet.

And if that yet never comes, I'm not sure what this side of the veil holds for me.

Except Love.

And that's a gracious plenty.*

*That phrase is from a kid's book I loved reading when my gals were young...just popped in when writing so I think I'll keep it

The image is from the altar with a picture of me from a few years ago. I was in costume ;). Not the angel one.

Life Is...Pondercating...

and busy, so busy, so veryvery busy.

I am currently blessed with a temp job which is mindless and repetitive, so conducive to my pondercating.

Been thinkin' bout Tantra and BDSM and how intimacy increases.

In my world intimacy comes through connection with self first. Going within. Being quiet and feeling deeply, whether in solo meditation, conversing from the heart or sex with another.

While raucous sex is great fun, the truly intensely intimate, present sex I've had comes when my partner and I get quiet. Because I am connected I can feel every inch of my partner's cock and soul. Every movement is heightened. For me, raucous sex turn-ons come more from my mind as my body cannot feel as much with so much going on.

(Sighs...having a difficult time with words here, am tired, need to go to bed, yet want to finish this)

I've also experienced deep intimacy in some BDSM encounters. Some. But those were ones where I went deep within, too.

With this personal background, when I did both my Tantra and Surrogate training (which were, by the way, very similar)...they, too reinforced this hit of mine that true intimacy can only be reached through this internally, quiet, focused route.

Which has lead me to coaching with this perspective...to get out of the outwardly focused realms and go within...be quietly present instead of looking out there for tricks and gadgets and techniquified sparklies.

But today I begin to ask myself...is there another way?

I trust my hits and flashes as I have learned to trust nothing more than them. I trust the teachers I have had (well..the ones I resonated with).

And today I am beginning an inquirey of wondering about other ways to tap intimacy. Perhaps all roads will lead back to this one I have followed. But I if I don't ask the questions, new possible ideas/answers will have no chance to become known.

(Must go to sleep..sorry for typos..can't see them)

I'm Falling In Love

Actually with two guys...

One of them is a tall blond. He's smart, funny, creative. He's kind of a dreamer, very senstive, loyal, thoughtful and has gorgeous lips. He's very athletic and has a great mind. We talk about all sorts of things...he's got a tremendous amount of knowledge about animals and is a bit of an archeologist. We love going to films together.

The other is shorter and has wild hair, amazing blue eyes. I could look in them all day. He's got a wicked sense of humor and loves to tease. His hugs are to die for, those melting hugs where you lose yourself.

I love being a Nona.

Emotions

What is it with emotions? I think that they are the most important barometer we have and yet, they are so fluid, ephemeral. They are everything and subject to...nothing.

I was talking to a woman today who has been in relationship for 8 years. Her husband got busted and he spent six of them in prison so she had to build a life for herself. She shared that one way she coped was to shut down her heart.

When he returned from prison, he was kinda in a time warp, ready to pick up where they had left off. She, however, had moved on in many ways. She no longer felt the passion of their prior time together.

She fretted about it, but finally told him her deepest feelings. She looked at me and said that she was shocked to feel that the minute she told him the truth of not being in love with him any more, she started to fall in love again.

Just two hours ago, I was in tears, crying, grieving...feeling that life and my concerns so important...overwhelming.

So I wrote an email to a friend..and poof..now I'm fine.

Nothing changes on the outside. World of difference inside.

What's "real?"

Life is about saying goodbye.
Don't let that stop you from loving.

From the Argentinian movie "Don't Look Down."

Great film about Tantric sex.

Naming

Often, after I write a post, what I write about flushes up more in my real life. I've been pondering the inspirations for both the Hearts and the Stories posts as they are my current themes du jour.

I've been asking myself why it's so important to me to get to essence. Why do I care about being clear on what's behind the stories and my projections, seeing the "whatisness" of situations?

I flashed on my Wicca days.

In the world of magic, I was told that in order to have power over something, I have to know its name.

What happens when I name the energies of a situation that's behind my stories? Or when two of us are engaged in a challenge and we find the essence, the no blame truth of what's really going on?

When I/we name it, we both become free. I am no longer confined or defined by my stories, trying to explain everything based on ephemeral, subjective stuff. We are no longer lost in the blame game of self or other.

Whatisness allows my eyes to be open and take responsibility for what I've created. Acknowledgement makes it easier for both to make choices based in centered knowledge instead of hurts, caretaking, things that aren't real. We have fewer blinders. It allows me to see when my actions don't match what I think I believe. And if I see the true flow of the energy, I can change it if it's not something I want.

So for today in regards to those posts...posts triggered by my relationship (which I have not talked about in manymuchlongtimes here) and stuff going on with and about him/me/us:

I am still in relationship with D. I love him.

I have made choices. They are choices that most everyone in my environment supports. Applauds.

Some days those choices break my heart. Some days I'm glad I made them. Other days I feel a poignant sadness, confused and lost in a twilight zone. Some days I thank god.

But all the days I make no bones about what I've done. I've made choices for myself over someone I love and those choices have resulted in lots of pain. They do not fit the definition I have of myself as a loving, caring, compassionate partner.

It is what it is. Underneath all the practicalities, the stories, the justifications, the logic, the prudence of my decisions...in the end, this has been my choice: money over love. I question what that says to me about me. And there it is.

It is what it is, I continue with my choices, I haven't changed them and I would do it again. I am OK with them...

...and I am also sad. Sad that I have had to make the choice. Grieving the loss of simply being with him.

I am also living the results of the pain I was in awhile back and the blindness with which I shared it, here and in my life. I grieve how I shared it, what I shared and what that created as the energetic field reflected back.

I thought I was opening myself to being vulnerable, honest, open. I thought I was teaching myself how to be open to feeling supported...not something I'm used to allowing.

I am sad that I was in so much pain that I couldn't see the future and how my sharing would contribute to the beliefs of those around me who learned a painfilled, skewed vision of someone else who was, himself, in a tremendous amount of pain. I was one mightily messed up puppy fer a spell there.

My work these days is to hold myself in understanding and compassion as I live with the karma that my pain creates.

Quit Dissing Starbucks

Ok, may be quite the random post, but can't help it. I got triggered by a few posts of Sulpicia's wherein she is (what I perceived to be) almost embarrassed about going there for coffee. Twice.

I've listened to people whine about them for a long time now and I have a few things to say in rebuttal.

First off is the argument about how they go into a community and take over the coffee business there. Like they target areas that have good local coffee houses and maliciously go in there with the sole intent of ruining the small town company. Cuz they're evil that way.

Hello...they are going to go where there is a good market. It's call smart business. What...they are going to go to the part of town that gets no traffic? They would not be successful if they couldn't figure out where to put their stores.

And guess what? If the local company has an exceptional product that's better than Starbucks, they will beat Starbucks out. The truth is, though, that Starbucks has gotten as big as they are because they have what people want.

It's not like they are Walmart with huge price cuts to undermine the market pricing structure. Have you been in one of their stores lately? Give me a break...their coffee is expensive. Their specialty drinks are really expensive...often more so than the local cafes.

But guess what? Obviously the local store must taste worse because people are willing to pay more for a better product.

While I would prefer to, and do, support a local store...if the product sucks, I'm sorry but I'm going to the one that tastes better. And it appears that others feel the same way.

But that's not what I want to impart about this company. What blows me away is how they treat their employees. Most people have no idea.

Are you aware that this huge behemoth pays above minimum wage to start and gives regular raises to those who deserve them, starting shortly after hiring? And once you step into management, they are very generous. Regional managers get a healthy salary- one I know started at $65K, got a car and a $6000 moving stipend.

Are you aware that they give FULL health insurance (including dental) to anyone who works there any more than 20 hours a week? That's right..fucking full health benefits to everyone for part time after only a few months. My daughter has worked there part time for years and has had two...that's right TWO major surgeries, plus now she has to have regular meds. Her cost of share has not gone up. They cover all sorts of stuff that you would not expect: therapy, chiropractic, etc. I think there's even acupuncture. This is not rinkydink or only catastrophic health insurance. It's great coverage with an extremely low co-pay (like $10 for the regular stuff, low for the surgeries).

But that's not all.

They have a matching retirement program that increases every year, ultimately raising their contribution to 125% of every dollar you put in.

Every employee gets either a pound of coffee or a box of Tazo tea every week. Every week. They also get a discount on drinks and food when they go in. And if they are paying, then their guests do, too.

They offer their stocks to employees at a discount.

They pay for some college tuition.

The have paid vacation days.

They are really supportive of alternatives in scheduling...supporting artists and mothers.

They have been forerunners in sustainable agriculture and fair trade. Not perfect, I know, but for that big a company, they do really well, IMHO.

They are increasing their recycling efforts every year.

They introduce a large population to lots of independent and world musicians.

They contribute to communities.

Their foods are whole foods...last year they switched to no corn syrup, no funky additives, etc. They have healthy alternatives like fruit plates and salads to offer along with the sugar laden pastries so popular in the coffee buying crowd.

So yeah...they are big. They get to be when they have a good product, delivered in a good package, with great customer service. Like...did you know that if you are on a trip and you get a drink at one Starbuck's...and you drive away and your drink isn't good that you can take it to the next one and get it remade free of charge?

Is it a perfect product? Truth is that if I see a Peets and a Starbucks in the morning, I will go to Peets as I prefer the coffee there. I like my coffee to be like muuuuud. In the afternoons I will go to a Starbucks because I love the iced tea and the Green Tea Lattes and an occasional Carmel Macchiato over anything at Peets. Just me.

Is it a perfect company? No. I'm sure they have tons of problems. Um, hello...any business does. But on balance, they tip way into the 95th percentile if you ask me in terms of overall good business. I love that they are clean and their bathrooms are tidy. I love that they are consistant on the road when I travel. I love that I can pop into any one of them in my travels and plug in my laptop for two (actually more) hours of free wi-fi when I use my Starbucks gift card once a month.

I think them a great model for treating their employees really, really well and I get annoyed when companies who are trying to be conscious get a bad rap because people hate anything big, just because.

OK. Starbucks anti-dissing rant over.

Hearts

I've been meditating a lot these days. Sometimes for hours. I love it.

The kind of meditation I've been doing is a form of Vipassana where I constantly and methodically scan my body to feel where I've got energetic blocks. I then breathe into the area and feel whatever is there, allow it, try and create space around it, soften into it and allow the energy to flow

I notice that I have two areas that are really constricted. In other words, when I quiet my mind and body, I often feel pain in those areas.

They are my womb and my heart.

So much good stuff is coming up. I get huge surges of energy that flow through my body. Often I will have orgasms that come in waves. I've been having tons of those jack hammer thingies in my brain. I've been working out back tweakies and have the feeling that other kinds of healing is occuring.

As my heart opens more and more, I notice an increased sensitivity to hearts that don't feel open in the moment, whether mine or others.

I am noticing/feeling lots of pain in the world. Pain that comes from hearts that shut down in fear. I look around and see how deep down we are all these little kids on so many levels- protecting our hearts when we feel unloved or judged. We lose our balance, revert to protective behaviors as coping strategies and end up acting in ways we never would if we felt loved, whole, and centered.

Often we are kinda asshole-ish, as those in fear are.

I keep remembering that saying that goes something like "When we act in fear, we end up creating exactly what we are trying to avoid." So true in my world. So.

We think someone will leave us so we grasp. In the grasping we push them away.

We hear something and feel hurt. So we lash back to try to bury the pain, hoping to silence the other, convince them that they have intentionally and wrongly hurt us. All that happens is we spiral around tighter, alienating each other more.

We come up against each other at our most tenderist times, when neither has the capacity to get outside themselves and see the other is in pain, too. All we can see/feel is ours. We project that out onto the other, losing trust in their basic goodness, unable to see that they, too, aren't themselves, their behavior intensified by the Dance of Fear.

All our questions about our worthiness, our lovableness get challenged in relationship in fear mode.

And usually we fall right back in to our old conditioned beliefs about how we are not.

Golly, we have such tender hearts.

I Gotta Feeling...

Favorite video and song of the moment...

I dare ya to not be happy after watching it.

Double dare.