Report From The Home Front

Well, here we are coming upon another Holiday season. Mymymy, time flies.

It's now been five months since D went back down south. Five and a half, to be more precise. And four months since I've seen him.

There is more of the same and less of the same. We go through cycles of talking often. Then when life gets intense down there, he goes silent for a bit. The periods of silence took their toll on me and...I've adapted. This relationship hammered just about every last vestige of expectation out of me. I consider that a blessing, actually. Today, anyway ;)

Albert and I have continued to see each other once or twice a month. Our times are always short, sweet, perfect and fun. I've been to the Ritz at Half Moon Bay, lots of time in San Francisco (Boulevard restaurant...new favorite...do try the orgasmic food and wines). Had a wonderful adventure at Yoshi's in Oakland...great sushi then great jazz. We saw Garrison Keillor. Went to a local winery and learned they make my new favorite red wine: Temperanillo. It's a Spanish grape. Had it for the first time about a month ago. OoohboyYumCity! We are off to Napa soon for a night of decadence and, yes...more wine.

As reported in earlier posts, I've been working a temporary job. Actually, two. My days are filled to the brim and in traditional Gillette fashion, I've done a fine job of burning out. Did manage to catch myself before complete meltdown and took this weekend off. A. Good. Thing.

I've had no time for computers, which is very nice in some ways. I miss reading blogs, but simply have no time between work and social butterflying. (I'll be back commenting more after the holidays when the job is over).

When not working, I've been going out more. Been seeing lots of music: The Duhks, Po Girl, Jai Uttal. All were wonderful, and my vote goes, hands down, to The Duhks. If you ever have opportunity, GO see them. So much fun and happies.

Lots of film:

Bright Star- great film. But why-oh-why do all romances have to be so fucking depressing?

An Education: Good film. Bad man. Bad. Wanted to hit him. First time I've seen Emma Thompson be a booger, so that was fun.

2012- A comedy cleverly disguised as an apocalyptic film. The effects were...so funny....especially the part when LA was falling apart and he was driving ahead of the earth splitting apart. Give me a break with the scene when he goes under the crashing building. Perhaps it was the comments of the Jersey friend sitting next to me on one side and the hilarious gay friend on the other that made the film so enjoyable. (xoxoxox) I did find the explanation of why it was all happening interesting, though..that Solar flares sent out neutrinos that heated the Earth's core in microwave fashion which causes everything to shift from the pressure. My Inner Nerd loved that.

The Men Who Stare At Goats: saw that one last night. LOVED it. It was hilarious, packed full of subtle, intelligent humor. Or maybe that was just my label of it because it made me laugh so much. But...hm...then, again, I was often the only one laughing in the audience...or one of very few. So maybe it's that I have a very odd sense of humor... Hm. Pondering...

I am excited about two movies coming out: Avatar and The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus. And I'm looking forward to the next two films on my "must see" list: Pirate Radio and Precious. So cool. Love films.

(sorry about not linking to all these films' pages...the restaraunts, the musicians...too lazy and I trust your ability to find them if you want to).

I've been a bit lax on my Nona detail with all the busies and such. But did babysit today after making some brunch (tofu, kale, broccoli, feta scramble; my world famous breakfast potatoes; blueberry and almond coffee cake) for myself and my two sweeties A and J (who I still stay with as they graciously continue to invite me into their lives and home...love yous guys).

Yup...my daughter needed a bit o' nookie after taking care of sick kids for two weeks so she whined and cajoled until I relented. She and her guy got some in another location whilst I watched the kidlettes. Gotta take one for the team from time to time, yes? And boy, let me tell ya....I racked up MAJOR Nona units today. Yes, sirreeeeee...got to be reminded of just how cranky a two year old cranky kid can be. Jeebus...

I'm doing some sex coaching. I like it and feel it's something I'm good at; that those who come to the sessions get something out of them. It's such a blessing and honor to be with others in such an intimate context. So wondrous to be witness to transformation and people opening to themselves and the ones they love when they are so fearful of what will happen when they try to "unguard" their hearts. So beautiful. So brave. We are such tender critters.

Lots going on around me in terms of relationship stuff with those I love. I'm hoping that J has a new lover soon. I'm happy that A is feeling content in her various loves. I'm excited that my Mariah is being persued by a number (over 6) of men who are 34 (we wonder what that's all about). I'm happy for R's renewed renewal with her Hunny (one whose energy I adore). Another friend is getting laid after a few years of celibacy. What a huge heart that woman has and I'm so happy for her. Babygirl is being herself. I got to find out she's going to be deployed next year from a post she put on Facebook. (rolls eyes :) ) She talks about different guys, talked about a bit of discomfort at the workplace with men. But nothing big and I believe she's happy.

Life's full of little moments both difficult and happy and everything in between. I'm doing a tidy job of not thinking about things...except when I am. But not today. Today feels good. I'm happy I took the weekend..that I played and saw films and am off now to shower and get ready to go to our downtown Pre-Christmas celebration.

And if I don't make it back here (which I might or might not) before Thanksgiving, let me take this opportunity to wish you a sweet time with those you love. I will be cherishing my moments.

Happy Thanksgiving LA-LA-LA!

Being A Whore Out In The World

This issue has been coming up again for me. To tell or not to tell. Who to tell, why, when, if, what, how much and in what context. Life is always changing.


I've written about this before (too lazy to find the posts, but for those interested, just go to the Courtesan label. The posts are in there somewhere.) My general policy is to say nothing unless I like you and want a friendship with you. To me friendship means being transparent. So I am.

But if I don't feel a connection, I just keep my business to myself.

Lately I've been hanging around some younger folk. I am, quite frankly, surprised at the underlying attitudes of supposedly "hip" young people. I would think that things would have changed. They have not, even amongst the supposedly sexually free spirits.

Why are whores and/or female anatomy still the worst thing one can conjure up as the ultimate insult? One woman repeatedly compares people she judges to "an old, used up hooker." What's up with that?

I sit and listen to them talk about some Tantric stuff, BDSM. About sex this and sex that. I say nothing.

Sometimes, the Tantric, coyote woman in me wants to disclose my history in passing and watch as it slowly sinks in and then registers on their faces. My Inner Trickster wants to watch them squirm in discomfort as they try to back peddle or find a new context for the quiet woman who keeps her head down, concentrating on her work.

My Inner Imp likes confronting others like that from time to time. Another aspect of My Inner Imp also likes being quiet, having the secret of them having no idea who is in their midst. Muahahahaha...

For now, those who do know about me, smile when others disparage hookers or escorts and I say "Hey...don't be dissing the whores." And then we move on to other topics.

I think about gays in the past and how when they had to hide. I think about how their fear and their silence kept them outsiders. We whores do it to ourselves, too. Our silence perpetuates the cultural shunning and disdain. I thought this week about how boring it is that we continue to be the scapegoats and reviled ones. I wondered what would happen and how that might change if I and others came out of the closet more. I almost decided to share. And then the gay guy in the crowd reminded me that my story would be told for years every time this group met.

I'm still not ready to be the Poster Child For Whores in my community or the world at large. Sounds like too much work. Just hope the Loud Imp doesn't get the best of me when I'm not paying attention.

I Have A Friend...

who is astoundingly creative and talented. She is so sparkly and alive and doing her Path. Yet, she is in pain, seeing only that she hasn't "made it" in the ways she has decided defines that term.

I see her as my hero.

I have a friend who has so much abundance surrounding him! But he is unable to see. He is sad. He describes himself as a depressive. I have known fear for him, frustration for him, anger with him in my pain.

Aside from all this, I see a light, a wordsmith, a romantic with so much potential to serve the world and those he comes in contact with...even though he says he is old and an empty vessel.

I refuse to believe that vision he has of himself. I see him as a Teacher. A Lover. I will see him as nothing less than this.

I have a friend, a Lover in every aspect of the word. I have known her for decades as she has found her way in loving and living in the face of all that love is not. She loves humanity. She loves her lovers. She loves Life.

She makes me smile with her complexly multifacted, multidimensional, simple, sweetly present Love.

Gifts.

All Souls' Day

Yesterday was Halloween/Samhain. I could have gone to a partay. Most of my community did. I saw the pics today and loved all the happy faces...many of which were costumed so well I didn't even recognize them. I felt Blessed to be the altar-setter-upper assistant for the partay. The hall was transformed into a delight of witches and goblins and skeletons and love and rememberance and Life and prayers. But then I went home (?...to a house), felt too internal and did not go back to attend the actual festivities.

And I thought of this time of year being felt/seen as the time where The Veil is the thinnest between two worlds. Between two worlds.

And I thought of how my life feels as if it's between two worlds.

Loving my community, yet the sort who is too internal to celebrate with them in large gatherings.

In a relationship...but not.

Surrounded by loving people who open their arms, hearts and homes to me...yet feeling homeless and ungrounded.

Working hard to get stable, yet feeling the least so than I have in decades.

Happy most of the day, yet able to cry at any moment. Burying nothing.

Having searched for a passion for years, finding it, yet not being able to do my vision just yet. But also not able to find another way. Just yet.

And if that yet never comes, I'm not sure what this side of the veil holds for me.

Except Love.

And that's a gracious plenty.*

*That phrase is from a kid's book I loved reading when my gals were young...just popped in when writing so I think I'll keep it

The image is from the altar with a picture of me from a few years ago. I was in costume ;). Not the angel one.

Life Is...Pondercating...

and busy, so busy, so veryvery busy.

I am currently blessed with a temp job which is mindless and repetitive, so conducive to my pondercating.

Been thinkin' bout Tantra and BDSM and how intimacy increases.

In my world intimacy comes through connection with self first. Going within. Being quiet and feeling deeply, whether in solo meditation, conversing from the heart or sex with another.

While raucous sex is great fun, the truly intensely intimate, present sex I've had comes when my partner and I get quiet. Because I am connected I can feel every inch of my partner's cock and soul. Every movement is heightened. For me, raucous sex turn-ons come more from my mind as my body cannot feel as much with so much going on.

(Sighs...having a difficult time with words here, am tired, need to go to bed, yet want to finish this)

I've also experienced deep intimacy in some BDSM encounters. Some. But those were ones where I went deep within, too.

With this personal background, when I did both my Tantra and Surrogate training (which were, by the way, very similar)...they, too reinforced this hit of mine that true intimacy can only be reached through this internally, quiet, focused route.

Which has lead me to coaching with this perspective...to get out of the outwardly focused realms and go within...be quietly present instead of looking out there for tricks and gadgets and techniquified sparklies.

But today I begin to ask myself...is there another way?

I trust my hits and flashes as I have learned to trust nothing more than them. I trust the teachers I have had (well..the ones I resonated with).

And today I am beginning an inquirey of wondering about other ways to tap intimacy. Perhaps all roads will lead back to this one I have followed. But I if I don't ask the questions, new possible ideas/answers will have no chance to become known.

(Must go to sleep..sorry for typos..can't see them)

I'm Falling In Love

Actually with two guys...

One of them is a tall blond. He's smart, funny, creative. He's kind of a dreamer, very senstive, loyal, thoughtful and has gorgeous lips. He's very athletic and has a great mind. We talk about all sorts of things...he's got a tremendous amount of knowledge about animals and is a bit of an archeologist. We love going to films together.

The other is shorter and has wild hair, amazing blue eyes. I could look in them all day. He's got a wicked sense of humor and loves to tease. His hugs are to die for, those melting hugs where you lose yourself.

I love being a Nona.

Emotions

What is it with emotions? I think that they are the most important barometer we have and yet, they are so fluid, ephemeral. They are everything and subject to...nothing.

I was talking to a woman today who has been in relationship for 8 years. Her husband got busted and he spent six of them in prison so she had to build a life for herself. She shared that one way she coped was to shut down her heart.

When he returned from prison, he was kinda in a time warp, ready to pick up where they had left off. She, however, had moved on in many ways. She no longer felt the passion of their prior time together.

She fretted about it, but finally told him her deepest feelings. She looked at me and said that she was shocked to feel that the minute she told him the truth of not being in love with him any more, she started to fall in love again.

Just two hours ago, I was in tears, crying, grieving...feeling that life and my concerns so important...overwhelming.

So I wrote an email to a friend..and poof..now I'm fine.

Nothing changes on the outside. World of difference inside.

What's "real?"

Life is about saying goodbye.
Don't let that stop you from loving.

From the Argentinian movie "Don't Look Down."

Great film about Tantric sex.

Naming

Often, after I write a post, what I write about flushes up more in my real life. I've been pondering the inspirations for both the Hearts and the Stories posts as they are my current themes du jour.

I've been asking myself why it's so important to me to get to essence. Why do I care about being clear on what's behind the stories and my projections, seeing the "whatisness" of situations?

I flashed on my Wicca days.

In the world of magic, I was told that in order to have power over something, I have to know its name.

What happens when I name the energies of a situation that's behind my stories? Or when two of us are engaged in a challenge and we find the essence, the no blame truth of what's really going on?

When I/we name it, we both become free. I am no longer confined or defined by my stories, trying to explain everything based on ephemeral, subjective stuff. We are no longer lost in the blame game of self or other.

Whatisness allows my eyes to be open and take responsibility for what I've created. Acknowledgement makes it easier for both to make choices based in centered knowledge instead of hurts, caretaking, things that aren't real. We have fewer blinders. It allows me to see when my actions don't match what I think I believe. And if I see the true flow of the energy, I can change it if it's not something I want.

So for today in regards to those posts...posts triggered by my relationship (which I have not talked about in manymuchlongtimes here) and stuff going on with and about him/me/us:

I am still in relationship with D. I love him.

I have made choices. They are choices that most everyone in my environment supports. Applauds.

Some days those choices break my heart. Some days I'm glad I made them. Other days I feel a poignant sadness, confused and lost in a twilight zone. Some days I thank god.

But all the days I make no bones about what I've done. I've made choices for myself over someone I love and those choices have resulted in lots of pain. They do not fit the definition I have of myself as a loving, caring, compassionate partner.

It is what it is. Underneath all the practicalities, the stories, the justifications, the logic, the prudence of my decisions...in the end, this has been my choice: money over love. I question what that says to me about me. And there it is.

It is what it is, I continue with my choices, I haven't changed them and I would do it again. I am OK with them...

...and I am also sad. Sad that I have had to make the choice. Grieving the loss of simply being with him.

I am also living the results of the pain I was in awhile back and the blindness with which I shared it, here and in my life. I grieve how I shared it, what I shared and what that created as the energetic field reflected back.

I thought I was opening myself to being vulnerable, honest, open. I thought I was teaching myself how to be open to feeling supported...not something I'm used to allowing.

I am sad that I was in so much pain that I couldn't see the future and how my sharing would contribute to the beliefs of those around me who learned a painfilled, skewed vision of someone else who was, himself, in a tremendous amount of pain. I was one mightily messed up puppy fer a spell there.

My work these days is to hold myself in understanding and compassion as I live with the karma that my pain creates.

Quit Dissing Starbucks

Ok, may be quite the random post, but can't help it. I got triggered by a few posts of Sulpicia's wherein she is (what I perceived to be) almost embarrassed about going there for coffee. Twice.

I've listened to people whine about them for a long time now and I have a few things to say in rebuttal.

First off is the argument about how they go into a community and take over the coffee business there. Like they target areas that have good local coffee houses and maliciously go in there with the sole intent of ruining the small town company. Cuz they're evil that way.

Hello...they are going to go where there is a good market. It's call smart business. What...they are going to go to the part of town that gets no traffic? They would not be successful if they couldn't figure out where to put their stores.

And guess what? If the local company has an exceptional product that's better than Starbucks, they will beat Starbucks out. The truth is, though, that Starbucks has gotten as big as they are because they have what people want.

It's not like they are Walmart with huge price cuts to undermine the market pricing structure. Have you been in one of their stores lately? Give me a break...their coffee is expensive. Their specialty drinks are really expensive...often more so than the local cafes.

But guess what? Obviously the local store must taste worse because people are willing to pay more for a better product.

While I would prefer to, and do, support a local store...if the product sucks, I'm sorry but I'm going to the one that tastes better. And it appears that others feel the same way.

But that's not what I want to impart about this company. What blows me away is how they treat their employees. Most people have no idea.

Are you aware that this huge behemoth pays above minimum wage to start and gives regular raises to those who deserve them, starting shortly after hiring? And once you step into management, they are very generous. Regional managers get a healthy salary- one I know started at $65K, got a car and a $6000 moving stipend.

Are you aware that they give FULL health insurance (including dental) to anyone who works there any more than 20 hours a week? That's right..fucking full health benefits to everyone for part time after only a few months. My daughter has worked there part time for years and has had two...that's right TWO major surgeries, plus now she has to have regular meds. Her cost of share has not gone up. They cover all sorts of stuff that you would not expect: therapy, chiropractic, etc. I think there's even acupuncture. This is not rinkydink or only catastrophic health insurance. It's great coverage with an extremely low co-pay (like $10 for the regular stuff, low for the surgeries).

But that's not all.

They have a matching retirement program that increases every year, ultimately raising their contribution to 125% of every dollar you put in.

Every employee gets either a pound of coffee or a box of Tazo tea every week. Every week. They also get a discount on drinks and food when they go in. And if they are paying, then their guests do, too.

They offer their stocks to employees at a discount.

They pay for some college tuition.

The have paid vacation days.

They are really supportive of alternatives in scheduling...supporting artists and mothers.

They have been forerunners in sustainable agriculture and fair trade. Not perfect, I know, but for that big a company, they do really well, IMHO.

They are increasing their recycling efforts every year.

They introduce a large population to lots of independent and world musicians.

They contribute to communities.

Their foods are whole foods...last year they switched to no corn syrup, no funky additives, etc. They have healthy alternatives like fruit plates and salads to offer along with the sugar laden pastries so popular in the coffee buying crowd.

So yeah...they are big. They get to be when they have a good product, delivered in a good package, with great customer service. Like...did you know that if you are on a trip and you get a drink at one Starbuck's...and you drive away and your drink isn't good that you can take it to the next one and get it remade free of charge?

Is it a perfect product? Truth is that if I see a Peets and a Starbucks in the morning, I will go to Peets as I prefer the coffee there. I like my coffee to be like muuuuud. In the afternoons I will go to a Starbucks because I love the iced tea and the Green Tea Lattes and an occasional Carmel Macchiato over anything at Peets. Just me.

Is it a perfect company? No. I'm sure they have tons of problems. Um, hello...any business does. But on balance, they tip way into the 95th percentile if you ask me in terms of overall good business. I love that they are clean and their bathrooms are tidy. I love that they are consistant on the road when I travel. I love that I can pop into any one of them in my travels and plug in my laptop for two (actually more) hours of free wi-fi when I use my Starbucks gift card once a month.

I think them a great model for treating their employees really, really well and I get annoyed when companies who are trying to be conscious get a bad rap because people hate anything big, just because.

OK. Starbucks anti-dissing rant over.